The Ramblings Of John Campea

Life Beyond The Movies

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord

I came across this great 100 things to do list of how to be a successful Evil Overlord. You can see the whole list here… but here are some of my favorites:

#2 – My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

#3 – My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.

#4 – Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

#6 – I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.

#7 – When I’ve captured my adversary and he says, “Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?” I’ll say, “No.” and shoot him. No, on second thought, I’ll shoot him and then say “No.”

#11 – I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

#26 – No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.

#40 – I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.

#41 – Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.

#43 – I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.

#46 – If an advisor says to me “My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?”, I will reply “This.” and kill the advisor.

#50 – My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.

#53 – If the beautiful princess that I capture says “I’ll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!”, I will say “Oh well” and kill her.

#74 – When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk “Project Overlord” and leave it lying on top of my desk.

Those are just a few of my favorites. Let the planning begin.

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January 21, 2006 - Posted by | Uncategorized

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